This is a blitz archetype from “The Greg Gutfeld Show,” October 20, 2018. This archetype may not be in its final anatomy and may be updated.
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PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: The Democrats accept affronted — I adulation you, too. Who said that? Who said that? Who said that? It’s assuredly a woman. You know, I get it from the men all of the time. And so far, every guy that said I adulation you they’re aloof not my type.
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GREG GUTFELD, HOST: Don’t beating it until you try it. This is the greatest country on earth. Among our accustomed resources, an amaranthine accumulation of idiots, they are everywhere. You don’t alike charge to frack them. Here’s a week’s account appropriate here. Aboriginal up is Liz Warren, contrarily accepted as arch overextension bull.
After years of actuality accused of lying of her Native American background, she decides to booty a DNA test, creating a video about amusing results.
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SEN. ELIZABETH WARREN, D-MASS.: The admiral brand to alarm my mom a liar. What are do the facts say?
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: The facts advance that you absolutely accept a Native American ancestor in your pedigree.
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GUTFELD: Wow. That looked absolutely natural. If she got any stiffer, I would analysis for the toe tag. Allocution about a paleface. It’s cogent that they chose some Stanford bookish to acumen these abhorrent results, they aloof knew they were about to acrylic a turd orange and alarm it Sherbet because aback the after-effects arrived, it amounted to article amid about aught and about zero. Like 0.09. If your IQ was 0.09, you would be granite. If they gave her a breathalyzer, she would be over the acknowledged absolute of stupid.
As a astute man already said, aback it comes to Cherokee, she has added in accepted with the jeep. Maybe she could be their spokesman. The slogan, “Unlike me this Cherokee is not absolutely [bleep],” so, anticipate about what she pulled off.
One law academy agenda listed her as Native American for nine years. Harvard had her as Native American until 2004. She was alleged the Harvard Law’s aboriginal woman of color. And afresh there was the cookbook, “Powwow Chow,” recipes from bristles Indian tribes. She listed herself as Cherokee. Yes and I am Bjorn from Abba.
Actually, I did some analysis to acquisition out who has added Native American claret than her, actuality they are — Bjorn from Abba, Agnetha from Abba, Anni- Frid from Abba, and the added guy from Abba.
Hard to believe. I absolutely did alike added analysis to acquisition out who has added Native American claret than her, Flipper, my appointment stapler, this helmet. So, we spent a continued time actuality lectured by left-wing a-holes about what not to abrasion on Halloween. Bigger not abrasion a sombrero, amigo. Easily off the arch dress. Cultural allotment is so evil.
But by all means, says our arch libs, they absolutely affirmation buying of an absolute ability and accomplishment it for political purposes. Seriously, hasn’t Warren committed the bigger cultural appropriations sin ever. She blanket who they are.
Now, I can talk, because I am 2 percent Native American. It’s true. That’s added Indian than she is. Meaning, I am Native American. I apperceive what I’m activity as for Halloween. So, could this be the end of character politics? If DNA tests acknowledge that you accommodate the aforementioned bulk of afflicted ancestor that Liz has, afresh you are oppressed, too.
If anybody is a minority, afresh cipher is, except me. As you know, I did do my own DNA analysis on “The Five” and afresh I fabricated a video.
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GUTFELD: Hi, I’m Greg Gutfeld. My ancestor is abundantly rich. Bethink the Donner Party. That’s my great, great, grandfathering Karl. He never went hungry. I’m appreciative of my family’s roots. So I absitively to booty a DNA test. The after-effects were fascinating. It turns out, I am 40.8 percent British and Irish; 9 percent Iberian, 2 percent Native American, and 20 percent minotaur, and 20 percent behemothic sequoia.
Yes, one of my granddad had a affair for trees. I’m additionally 30 percent centaur, which explains why it’s adamantine to get jeans that fit. There’s additionally a bit of sea serpent in there, about 90 percent.
At this point, I apperceive what you’re cerebration that adds up to added than 100 percent. Well, it’s 212.3 percent to be exact. How can that be? Well, I will acquaint you.
It’s because I am the Zlarg, the gargantuan bifold beasts that feasts on the souls of the dead. I am a actuality of absolute manifestations. Fueled by a hell angled chase for animal sufferings. Bow afore me or buck the acrimony of my amaranthine anamorphosis as I breach at the acrimony of your naked abashed admired ones.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Gutfeld 2020. Paid for by the lath to accept Zlarg.
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GUTFELD: Don’t applaud. Don’t applaud. That monstrosity. That was absolutely unexpected. So anyway, the added idiot this week, the litigating lollipop, Michael Avenatti. The arch blockhead had been application assorted victims to allure the spotlight for himself, but aback he assuredly finds the spotlight, this happens.
This week, the adjudicator erfingers in favor of Donald Trump in Stormy’s aspersion case adjoin him and ordered that he she pay Trump’s acknowledged fees. This was the judge’s way of cogent Stormy that her advocate is giving attorneys a bad name. Anticipate about that. She is a porn brilliant and her advocate is so bad, aback her career looks respectable.
She acclimated to get paid to spiral people, Avenatti aloof busted her and she has to pay him. He is to attorneys what Liz Warren is to Indians, an embarrassment. So it’s absolutely been a anniversary of backfiring. Aggregate blew up in their faces. The DNA analysis exposes Warren as 0.0 Indian, the adjudicator exposes Avenatti as 100 percent bozo.
Meanwhile, the US regains its atom as the cardinal one aggressive abridgement in the apple and US job openings hits a almanac 7.1 actor beyond the cardinal of unemployed Americans. Appealing soon, you’re activity to charge a DNA analysis to prove you’re an unemployed American.
That’s appealing adequate for Trump, but it may not be adequate abundant for Liz Warren and Avenatti. There may be seven actor job openings, but we still accept at atomic two added idiots than we need.
Let’s adequate tonight guest. He is decree for your affliction, host of the radio show, “Dr. Drew Midday Live,” Dr. Drew Pinsky. He breach added abandon than a on meth, comedian, Jimmy Failla. I’m not acclimated to that jacket. She’s the acme of cynical, National Review reporter, Kat Timpf. And, he consistently has his active in the cloud, literally, above WWE Superstar and my massive sidekick, Tyrus.
Dr. Drew, you are a doctor, what did Senator Warren accidentally do to herself this week?
DREW PINSKY, “DR. DREW MIDDAY LIVE”: Added than shoot herself in the foot?
PINSKY: You know, I’ve begin through — on my radio program, I had a cardinal of Native American alarm us and say anniversary association actuate its own belief for heritage, right? And it’s usually amid one-eighth and one- sixteenth, but for Cherokee particularly, you accept to annals with the Indian Affairs Department and you accept to be able to appearance your ancestry aback to a accustomed abandoned in adjustment to alarm yourself Cherokee and they were acutely affronted by this. Acutely offended. Allocution about — they didn’t say appropriation, it was the ultimate appropriation.
GUTFELD: Yes, they approved to abduct — she approved to abduct their identity. Jimmy, it’s an outrage.
JIMMY FAILLA, COMEDIAN: Yes, not as abandoned as this jacket.
GUTFELD: I know. I’m aggravating to anticipate — did you buy that at Chest King or Mary Go Round?
FAILLA: This is my oldest guy in the boy bandage look. I attending like the guy they won’t blaze because I can buy them beer afterwards the show.
PINSKY: What do you alarm the boots?
FAILLA: They do appear in men’s if you’re wondering.
GEORGE “TYRUS” MURDOCH, FORMER WWE SUPERSTAR: Terry Schappert would adulation those.
FAILLA: I know. He’s be a fan. I absolutely do anticipate she erfingers herself. The acumen I say that is not because of annihilation Trump is activity to do, but because of what her own affair is activity to do in the primaries. Cipher is tougher on you than aback you spiral up than your friends. You apperceive what I mean>
So like, the time you said you were a Native American. Like, she is never activity to alive this bottomward for the blow of her life.
GUTFELD: And you apperceive who is activity to go afterwards her? I mean, Joe Biden charge be so — he charge admiring with this agglomeration — Kamala Harris, Cory Booker — I mean, she’s gone. I don’t anticipate there’s any way she can appear aback to this.
FAILLA: And you apperceive she should go away? It’s not because she lied, it’s because she outed herself as dumb. Anyone who anticipation this was adequate affidavit based on the results, this is like cogent addition you accept a absolutely hot girlfriend, but the abandoned account in your wallet it is acutely from a magazine.
GUTFELD: Hey, you apperceive what? I abandoned did that once. Kat, for your birthday, you were activity to be assuming up in a coffin.
KAT TIMPF, REPORTER, NATIONAL REVIEW: Yes.
GUTFELD: So you were abduction the affairs of the dead. You’re as bad as she is.
TIMPF: I’m asleep on the inside.
TIMPF: So, this story, I mean, I was sitting about my accommodation beforehand this week, abominable I know. And I was cerebration the abandoned acquaintance that I accept that lives aing to me anywhere in the burghal is a cat, right? Like, I deathwatch up, there is the cats. During the day, there is the cat. I go to bed, there’s the cat.
GUTFELD: The cat feels the aforementioned way.
TIMPF: So, if Liz Warren is 1/11024th Native American, I accept to be at atomic 1/1024th cat.
PINSKY: Aloof your name abandoned makes you it …
TIMPF: Based on the time that I absorb about a cat, and if you don’t anticipate that cat animal ability is a thing, it is absolutely a thing. We airing about with clothes, covered in it, like bodies don’t notice.
GUTFELD: No, I notice.
TIMPF: We buy arctic commons for one. We own wine stoppers, like, who are we kidding?
GUTFELD: No, that’s true. Wishful thinking. Tyrus, area do we go with this?
MURDOCH: I’ll be honest with you, I arrested out aback the blooming dude showed up. You accept absent your abuse mind.
GUTFELD: Are you talking about Zlarg?
MURDOCH: Zlarg, yes. That was — aloof , man. Like what the hell? Don’t alpha bistro bodies because I can’t handle that. Don’t Dahmer on me.
GUTFELD: I can cautiously say I apparently didn’t address that sober.
MURDOCH: Yes. Listen, this is what — these are the canicule that I am so blessed I did not accept grandparents. Because it was her lying ass grandparents who got her in this mess. Especially, anybody has got the — your great-grandfather was Cherokee. He was a arch Cherokee Indian. How abounding bodies heard that abuse lying ass adventure in their childhood? Like everybody says the aforementioned affair and aloof one. That’s the way bodies are. You go with your one. Added than two, you’re out of the game.
But it is consistently that one and she believed, Papa or whatever awe-inspiring appellation she had for grandpa who told that bashed ass lying story, so abundant so that I am appealing abiding her aggregation was like, “This was not a adequate idea.” No, no, my grandfathering told me, it is true.
And, now, we accept to accord with not abandoned is she not Native American, which I affectionate of anticipate she already absolutely knew because no one anytime like fabricated jokes, there were no teases activity on or annihilation like that.
GUTFELD: Right, right.
MURDOCH: But now, she has to face the Admiral of the United States of America. Every time they are in the hallway, he’s activity to be like, “Hey stop, haw.” Guaranteed.
FAILLA: I was aloof cerebration whoever let her put that up charge be the aforementioned actuality that let you put the Zlarg video up.
PINSKY: No, no.
FAILLA: You know, what’s amazing though, it’s Saturday night and appropriate now, she is home abashed that she didn’t win the mega millions but she thinks one in 302 actor is a adequate chance.
GUTFELD: Let’s end on that abundant joke. Up next, what air-conditioned out the media this week, as usual, everything, but we will carve it bottomward to a five- minute segment. That’s next.
Joe, Mika, Matthews, Lemon, Cuomo — they’re not aloof the names of my abounding nipples, doctor.
PINSKY: Supernumerary nipples.
GUTFELD: Oh, really, gee, acknowledgment for acclimation me. They are additionally the accepted media suspects who predictably played all the anti-Trump addendum this week. There was a little 25th Amendment crap.
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MIKA BRZEZINSKI, MSNBC: If you are alive for a admiral who is not fit to lead, who is activity to do article crazy in bristles minutes, one hour, tonight or tomorrow, like what added do you charge to apprehend from him to alpha cerebration 25th Amendment or article else?
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GUTFELD: I anticipate we charge a 25th Amendment for her. And of course, don’t balloon to back-bite his supporters.
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BRZEZINSKI: Saudi Arabia was declared to be our ally. We are not abashed at the President’s affecting response. America’s about alluvion adopted action in the age of Trump and at a time aback quislings abnormally advance in lockstep abaft a about disabled President.
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GUTFELD: Quisling, eh, that a nice Scrabble word. It agency traitor. But funny, I assume to bethink aback she and her BF admired Trump. They kissed his ass, but now, they abhorrence him. Why is that? My theory, to them, Trump is like the ex who dumped them. So he is aloof the affliction guy anytime until of course, he takes them aback because you apperceive they will appear ample on their easily and knees, they consistently do. Afresh there was horse face.
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CHRIS CUOMO, CNN: Horse face — that’s what the man who holds the bench of Abraham Lincoln said about yet addition woman who is in his way.
CHRIS MATTHEWS, MSNBC: Why abroad would he appear beyond this so affronted as to accomplish us admiration what was done to this man to accomplish him allocution like an eight-year-old arrant through his peanut adulate and clabber sandwich?
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GUTFELD: Now I’m hungry. So where’s the Lemon?
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DON LEMON, CNN: I don’t usually like to allocution about people’s looks. Does he own a mirror? He keeps allocution about bodies accepting weight and how bodies look. Has he — does he own a mirror that doesn’t accept Vaseline over it were a cloth? Donald Trump is no prize.
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GUTFELD: Oh, I apperceive you are, but what am I? So abounding burst souls. What do they say to their therapists?
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ROSIE O’DONNELL, ACTRESS: I said to my therapist, do you anticipate it is amiss for me to go alone, it’s acclamation night and what if he wins, and she said, “You know, Rosie, you’ve got to stop it. Consistently the abrogating takes in your head. Cipher is adage it’s activity great. You go there and you do your job.” I went there and I started — I absolutely got physically sick. I got physically ailing that night and I anticipation to myself, “This cannot be happening.”
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GUTFELD: That’s how I feel aback I saw her movies. Anyway, I abhorrence to anticipate what will appear to all of them if Trump gets four added years.
Jimmy, do you anticipate the media can accumulate up this clip of abiding abuse for four added years? I mean, what could — this is absolutely ailing for them.
FAILLA: There’s two things they don’t get about Trump. One is he has gotten so alike with calumniating bodies that bodies about appetite to be angered now. It’s like if Awe-inspiring Al Yankovic parodies your song, that’s how you apperceive you’ve arrived. Bodies are like, “Do me. Do me. Do me.” But I anticipate that is allotment of it, but with the Joe and Mika thing, and this is what — I anticipate we can all chronicle to this, accept you anytime had a acquaintance acquaint you about a aide who is crazy, but the added your acquaintance talks, the added you apprehend the aide is altogether accustomed and they are bad ass insane. That’s who they are.
GUTFELD: That is so true. Because afresh you accommodated the friend, the acquaintance is accept and afresh the actuality you accept been alert to is nuts. Ah yay-yay. Dr. Drew.
PINSKY: I am aloof saying, I like me some crazy. I’m falling in adulation with Mika.
GUTFELD: You’re absolutely falling for Mika.
PINSKY: And she accomplished me a new word, too. I’ve been absent with this chat all day.
PINSKY: Quisling. So it turns out, it comes from the Apple War II associate from Norway who was at the time anticipation to be the smartest man the Norwegian aggressive had anytime produced.
PINSKY: He knew everything, and fabricated a bad bet. He absitively to get in bed with Hitler and to accord with him.
TIMPF: Bad bet.
PINSKY: Bad bet, bad bet, and it became — so afterwards things didn’t assignment out, backstabber became alike with traitor. But really, he is a arrogant intellectual.
GUTFELD: Oh wow.
PINSKY: And so to absolutely be a quisling, you accept to be aloof like my love, Mika, to be aloof like her. So really, as so abundant of what’s activity on in the apple today, bodies are seeing projections of themselves and that their own actuality they’re reacting adjoin and afresh calling it out on the added side. That’s a way of managing able aggression. It’s an ailing way to do it, but acknowledge you Mika for the quisling, I adulation that word.
GUTFELD: That’s great. We abstruse a new word, and we abstruse lot about Dr. Drew in the process. Tyrus, do you accept admonition for the media and how to accept Trump?
MURDOCH: You’ve got to buzz him better.
MURDOCH: You’ve got to accept — if I was activity to aces a action with him or aces an altercation with him, I would abandoned do it if I had a book or article advancing out. Not yet, so I’ve got a wait. You’ve got to comedy his d bigger than him, and it’s not personal. So aback you buzz somebody, you aces on somebody, it is all in fun. Like he alleged home babe a horse face. I had tears in my eyes from my heart. I was arrant so adamantine because it’s like, it’s such a bad burn.
Like if anybody abroad said horse face, she would like, “Grow up, jackass.” You apperceive what I’m saying, but because he said it, I was like, “He alleged her horse face.” I’m apologetic assortment tag, not me, we were all laughing. And afresh you anticipate about it like if you breach it bottomward a little bit, she did allocution about this …
GUTFELD: Yes, she talked about this actuality …
MURDOCH: You know, that’s cold-blooded.
FAILLA: She put the Mario barrow afore the horse.
MURDOCH: It’s not a abundant diss, like, it’s not like if you are in the esplanade and you and this guy were activity aback and forth, “Hey, bigfoot, shut up, horse face.” You’re declared to like oh, and anybody starts active about and like, “Don’t get on.” It was literally, but it’s like, did he aloof say that [bleep]? And it’s hilarious, and I adulation it.
So let’s be real, bethink kids, the horse is a horn abroad from actuality a unicorn, and that’s best admirable affair in the world.
GUTFELD: Kat, you’re abrogating all the time.
GUTFELD: Yes, so do you anticipate the media will anytime get annoyed of Trump? I mean, they charge Trump now because they accomplish him feel so awful.
TIMPF: See, I am not activity to lie to you, Greg.
TIMPF: I accept had a accident or two before. I am a amorous actuality and I alive a amorous life.
PINSKY: I accept I see one, too.
TIMPF: Yes, oh, Dr. Drew is the one who gets all of the buzz calls during every distinct one of my meltdowns and the argument letters and the flurry of argument messages, beck of acquainted argument messages, affecting topics, a little bit of everything.
But the aberration amid my accident and the meltdowns that the larboard are accepting is that I am not appreciative of myself aback I accept them. I attending at that Kat and I say, “I don’t like that Kat absolute much. What is she doing?” But the bodies on the larboard who are accepting their meltdowns, they anticipate that that makes him some affectionate of hero.
TIMPF: For accepting these meltdowns and I accept to acquaint you, if accepting a accident makes you hero, afresh I afresh saw a toddler who capital abstract who absolutely deserves a amethyst heart.
GUTFELD: There you go. All right, on that note, advancing up the midterm elections. I haven’t been this aflame aback this morning aback I begin a boilerplate dent beneath my bed. It was delicious, doc.
And don’t forget, I’ll be accomplishing to alive shows in December alleged “The Gutfeld Monologues Live” in Grand Rapids, Michigan and San Antonio, Texas. The tickets are affairs out. Go there immediately. Plus a appropriate guest, Tom Shillue. Don’t wait, get your tickets now. Go to ggutfeld.com for admission info.
ANITA VOGEL, FOX NEWS: Alive from “America’s News Headquarters,” I’m Anita Vogel. Admiral Trump says his administering is eyeing tax cuts for the average class. The Admiral said they could appear in November afore the analytical midterm election. In December, the Admiral active a celebrated tax check which bargain the accumulated tax amount from 35 percent to 21 percent. It additionally briefly bargain taxes for best individuals. The Admiral says this tax cut would abandoned administer to average assets earners. He fabricated comments to reporters while advancement in Nevada.
Overseas, a measles beginning is affronted beyond Europe. There accept been 41,000 cases and 40 deaths this year. That’s according to the Apple Health Organization. Experts accusation the fasten on parents not vaccinating their accouchement and doctors cautioned that the aforementioned affair could appear actuality the US soon. I’m Anita Vogel. Now aback to “The Greg Gutfeld Show.”
GUTFELD: That Taylor Swift. But, abundant about my accelerated apparel maker. Mercy clapping. Mercy clapping. I will booty it anyway. The accompanist accustomed addition Democrat this week, Congressman Jim Cooper, I don’t care.
Earlier this month, she accustomed addition Democrat, I still don’t care. Meanwhile, Texas Congressman Beto O’Rourke is aggravating to bound Senator Ted Cruz. He has aloft millions. The media has been calling him Kennedy- esque. He abiding drives like one.
Speaking of Texas, addition absolutely hates Cruz.
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UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I would be careful. I accept about hundred of these. I’m about to put added out.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: All right, well, I’ll feel bigger about this.
UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I abhorrence Ted Cruz. I abhorrence Ted Cruz. I abhorrence Ted Cruz.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
GUTFELD: I’ve been out Zlarg’ed. I anticipate I begin my Halloween costume. Oh my goodness. So as we admission to the midterms, let’s about-face to the admission correspondent, Alarm Joe. Alarm Joe, how abundant time is larboard until acclamation day in November?
HOURGLASS JOE: Seven hundred billion grains of sand, Greg, seven hundred billion grains until acclamation day.
GUTFELD: How can you be abiding of that?
HOURGLASS JOE: I counted them, Greg.
GUTFELD: Seven billion grains of sand. Can you catechumen that into a altitude that we can absolutely understand?
HOURGLASS JOE: A little added than two weeks.
GUTFELD: So wouldn’t it aloof be easier for you to say that?
HOURGLASS JOE: You’re apparently right. This was a impaired idea, Greg.
GUTFELD: It’s okay, Joe. So if that’s how far we are from November, how far are we from the 2020 election?
HOURGLASS JOES: That would be about 7.5 abundance grains of beach to the third power.
GUTFELD: Actually, Alarm Joe, it’s 745 days, why can’t you aloof say that.
HOURGLASS JOE: Yes, you’re right, but I absolutely ashen my life. Why did I calculation all the sand? I could’ve had a family, a wife and kids. A absolute life.
GUTFELD: Joe, what is that in your hand?
HOURGLASS JOE: It’s a scorpion, Greg, The deadliest acidity on earth. It could annihilate ten men and I’m activity to eat it. My time is up.
GUTFELD: I guess, we absent Alarm Joe. I don’t apperceive what accident to these segments, but they’re activity in a dark, aphotic direction.
PINSKY: Well, I acquainted a little bit bigger because 700 billion was aloof hardly added what we’re abeyant in California to a fast alternation to nowhere, which is not yet congenital at all.
GUTFELD: Way to save this segment.
PINSKY: I’m aloof saying. It fabricated me feel better, but aloof the 700 billion was a little more. I anticipation that was about the bigger sum I could anticipate of is what we’re spending in California for that train.
GUTFELD: How do you feel about the midterms?
PINSKY: You know, well, I feel like there could be some surprises. I still feel that bodies are absolute abashed to say annihilation of what they intend to do and they may not alike apperceive what they intend to do until they get in there. I asked on my radio appearance today, is Donald Trump affecting you activity to the polls? And bodies were all over the place, but they all said yes, a lot of bodies are adage because I am angry, sad, and afraid of things like a mob advancing up through Mexico and the way bodies behaved about Kavanaugh, so it’s affective both sides.
GUTFELD: Scott Adam said — what did he say? It ability be the bigger assembly in history, and he is never wrong, Tyrus. Never. Tyrus, I know, you’re still cerebration about the scorpion, aren’t you?
MURDOCH: Accept you had some awe-inspiring dreams this week, Greg?
GUTFELD: Yes, I accept been application a lot of Zekewill, and I anticipate it’s affecting me.
TIMPF: Accepting zeked.
GUTFELD: I’m accepting zeked.
MURDOCH: Accept you been watching a lot of French films? You’re all aloof awe-inspiring and Don Lemon, that’s how I can do — what was the question?
GUTFELD: I don’t remember.
TIMPF: Yes, it wasn’t absolutely a question.
MURDOCH: Yes, there was absolutely no catechism like, is it activity to be — I don’t know. There was a scorpion there the accomplished time? In his pocket?
GUTFELD: Yes, it was.
MURDOCH: Playing with an alarm and scorpions.
GUTFELD: It took a lot of alertness for this. Don’t anticipate about it logically.
MURDOCH: I appetite you biologic activated afterwards the show, man. I’m not activity bottomward with this ship, bro. I’ve got — I’ve been accursed a lot. I can’t put that on my resume.
FAILLA: Oddly enough, he’s abandoned one in 1024th aerial appropriate now.
GUTFELD: Jimmy, don’t you feel like we should let the Democrats at atomic win article maybe afore they accept a civic afraid breakdown?
FAILLA: Well, that’s funny because bodies consistently say like, “Oh, yes, we’re on the bound of a Civil War.” No, we’re not because a Civil War involves bodies accepting out of their house. You apperceive what I mean? The abandoned way we’re affronted a Civil War is if addition builds an app you can action it on. Fortnight is the Civil War. Fortnight, that’s the Civil War appropriate now.
But I adulation that Taylor Swift came out and fabricated an endorsement. Two canicule later, he dumped her endorsement for a Katy Perry endorsement, you know, and actuality we are. But I anticipate it’s ridiculous.
And I aloof anticipate the abstraction that Hillary is aback on the arena and acutely accession herself for addition run, like what is the bronze of limitations on her running? How old is she? We’re activity to be at Trump rallies aing year chanting, “Help her up.”
GUTFELD: Aftermost words, Kat, thoughts on Taylor Swift or Beto O’Rourke?
TIMPF: Thoughts on Taylor Swift, it’s aloof absorbing to me the way that our ability think, “Oh, you attending adequate dancing about in the leotard. I should affliction what you anticipate about me who is voting.” I aloof don’t get it. But voting for me, I guess, it’s like every morning, you get out of bed, sometimes you accept those thoughts like, “Is what I’m doing, does it absolutely matter?” Aback I get out of bed on the day area I go vote, I apperceive that it absolutely doesn’t because I vote libertarian.
GUTFELD: True. I vote New York, so I apperceive it doesn’t amount at all. Ability as well, aloof you know, bandy it away. No, I don’t absolutely vote. Who am I kidding? Up next, Nancy Pelosi says article ridiculous, allotment 94 of 3000-part series.
She had the acrimony to bang the wall. Nancy Pelosi is authoritative it bright she won’t accord an inch for the wall. Afresh she fabricated it personal.
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HOUSE MINORITY LEADER NANCY PELOSI, D-CALIF.: In my view, it’s immoral, expensive, abortive and it’s not article the bodies do amid countries. But any event, it happens to be like a adulthood affair for the Admiral and I’m not absorbed in that.
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GUTFELD: Crazy, yes, ist, absolutely. The bank is a adulthood issue? I don’t accept how. I mean, we’re not putting missiles on the border. If anything, the bank is added like a abstemiousness belt. Alike more, Pelosi wants to go toe to toe on the wall. Okay, but afterwards two years of a able abridgement and low unemployment, you anticipate he’s not activity to get his wall? The man is on such a acceptable band I appetite him to buy me a Powerball ticket. I’m so assertive he will win, I’ve already spent the money, spa canicule for everyone.
I anticipate it is that the afterlife metal that absolutely brings it home. Kat, what would you rather have, Abode Speaker Nancy Pelosi or a bound wall?
TIMPF: So this is the admired allotment of my job aback Greg asks me about the wall.
TIMPF: Because all of our admirers appetite the bank and I accept to explain that I don’t like the wall, I anticipate we could do it in a cheaper way by removing abundance incentives and catastrophe the biologic war so that gangs accept no acumen to appear over actuality and afresh several bodies unfollow me on Twitter alike admitting I’m a absolute nice babe with a absolute nice family.
What I’m abashed about the best with all of this admitting and Nancy’s comments actuality is that I anticipation that the larboard didn’t accept in gender at all. Now, walls accept gender? And then, I anticipation that they additionally didn’t accept in gender roles so abandoned men can like the wall? I bet you, I apperceive for a actuality that there are some women that abutment the wall. Apparently here. There are some — there you go. Women who said — and there are many, abounding added and they all aloof unfollowed me on Twitter because of this articulation alike admitting I’m a absolute nice babe with a absolute nice family.
GUTFELD: Jimmy, what you accomplish of this?
FAILLA: Nancy Pelosi talks a lot of big accurately because her affair hates her. The abandoned accumulate her as a acquaintance because she can fundraise. She’s like that babe who is a chief that has a car so bodies adhere out with her. Like you can’t angle her, but if you can accompany your mix tapes and she can angle you up with some beer, you’re like, “Yes, I like Nancy.” You apperceive what I mean?
And can she — I mean, can she can relax, too. Because like, she’s in her backward hundreds. I don’t accept she agency any of it. But really, you see her up there, I’ve apparent adolescent faces on money. It is adamantine for me to watch because I don’t appetite to abhorrence on her. But this is a absolute point, I am activity to attack to make. We are accessible accept a fence, how did the fence get there?
We had to accede at some point it was account accepting a border, so that’s how you apperceive this is a charade. Aback says this is a adulthood issue, it is. It’s because he’s the abandoned one with a adulthood to accomplish this affiance and follow-through. Forty years of politicians accept said let’s fix immigration.
MURDOCH: I aloof admiration what would appear if say, I was on “The Five” and I said, “Oh, the wall, it’s a woman thing. It’s like a behemothic pad.” Well, , I aloof did it. Oh, yes, right, no it’ air-conditioned for her though, manhood, right, but we can’t accomplish adulthood jokes, #not me.
But this is not — why are we not — area are the protests for her? Shouldn’t she accept to resign? Talking about adulthood — why is there alike a allocution about manhood? Best of us accumulate it covered for a reason. If we were appreciative of it, it would be out all of the time. You apperceive what I’m saying? We don’t accept low-cut jeans. You apperceive what I am saying?
Our adulthood is angelic and they are bashing manhood. I appetite some protest. Like, she should accept to footfall down. It’s abandoned fair.
GUTFELD: It’s abandoned fair, doc?
PINSKY: Bless her heart, countries don’t accept borders? What is she talking about? It’s the best camp …
TIMPF: That’s absolutely what — it’s what makes you country.
PINSKY: That’s true. First, you draw the bound and afresh you authorize your country. But what happened bottomward in Guatemala today? The Hondurans hit a bound and a fence and they blew through that fence, a fence that Guatemalans put up. And countries don’t put up fences and borders? What is she talking about. It’s the best camp thing.
I aloof had to re-up my all-around admission thing. Accept you approved to do that?
GUTFELD: It’s a affliction in the ass.
PINSKY: Oh now, it’s like accepting about added countries and it’s attack time. They alive in this country and they go to addition one. They appetite your everything.
GUTFELD: That’s why I abandoned biking to the average earth.
MURDOCH: Do you anticipate the Guatemalans ambition they had a bank aback they ran over their fence? You anticipate they were like, man, we should hit the wall.
FAILLA: You apperceive my admired allotment of the accomplished affair though?
FAILLA: Is everybody says Trump is racist appear Mexicans, so if he gets reelected, they’re activity to move to Canada. I’m like, “Yo, Mexico is aloof as close, dude.” That’s affectionate of racist on your part.
GUTFELD: And also, why are the Guatemalans blessed to be in Mexico?
FAILLA: Oh, I know.
GUTFELD: Why are they like, there’s a accomplished artifice of acreage afore California that they could stop and blow in, but they’re not because Mexico doesn’t appetite that. Are we all activity to end up cutting these soon? God, I achievement so.
You appetite to attending brainless and get baffled up a lot? Panasonic is developing this wearable accessory advised to advice you concentrate. Attending at that thing. Abrasion space. It’s a angle with blinders to cut bottomward on your borderline eyes and babble abandoning technology to block any animal interaction. Isn’t that great?
The artefact is meant for bodies who assignment in offices with an accessible attic plan. But it additionally found, it works wonders at the urinal. It’s true. Is it ugly? Yes. But is it abstract also? Yes. Still though, it aggressive us to advance our own wearable technology.
If you need, for archetype to accomplish added money, try the gun and ski mask. See how simple that is. Do you accept agitation activity to bed? It sounds like you charge our new beddy-bye aid. Yes, it’s a fist. We bite you in the face. Finally, adversity from diarrhea? Try this. Yes, anyway.
FAILLA: Tyrus, you were right. You are appropriate man.
MURDOCH: Oh, I’ve been right. You all appetite to animate him.
GUTFELD: All right, let’s get through this, okay. We’ll accept to get out of actuality and get drunk. Tyrus, would you abrasion that?
MURDOCH: Would I abrasion what? No, I’ve got an ball job. I don’t sit in an office. This is garbage. I’m not falling for this. This is the man’s aftermost attempt, now, you can’t see the animal harasser, now you can’t apprehend him until it’s too backward and you can’t see no assemblage to advice testify.
MURDOCH: Cliche, it’s the aftermost plague. Put this on darling. That’s what it is. This is terrible. For real, in the household. “Honey put this on. I’ll be in the added room.” Which he means, he’ll go to a bar. “Oh don’t anguish about her, she’s got the blinders on, bro. I’m actuality all night.”
GUTFELD: Jimmy, do you anticipate it’s a adequate idea?
FAILLA: No. I mean, I anticipate if you absolutely appetite to accumulate coworkers focused, let them allocution to their coworkers. Because afterwards two conversations, you never appetite to allocution to them again. We apperceive what they say, every babe needs a acquaintance that will acquaint them their base looks big in those pants. Every guy needs a acquaintance that will acquaint them cipher affliction about your fantasy football team. You apperceive what I’m saying? I don’t affliction who you’re starting.
GUTFELD: I’m annoyed of, on Monday, bodies cogent me about their accomplished weekend. And afresh on Friday, them cogent you about what they’re accomplishing this weekend. Weekends are not important to me, okay. So if — don’t acquaint me about your weekend, doc.
PINSKY: He’s right. You’ve accept gone all the way bottomward to average earth. But I adulation these things. They’re great. I abhorrence cubicles. Those are impersonal. I adulation this stuff. It’s true.
MURDOCH: This is way added personal, doc?
PINSKY: Way added personal. It’s your own little clandestine Idaho, but don’t abrasion it in the elevator, to your point. Don’t abrasion it in the elevator. Who knows what could go bottomward in there, but why not put a augment bag on, too.
GUTFELD: Oh, yes. A augment bag.
PINSKY: Right, put a augment bag on and a blinder, I mean, we’re all the way there.
GUTFELD: Oh, that’s great, and afresh like absorbed to like a diaper.
PINSKY: I knew this …
MURDOCH: See, doc.
TIMPF: You do not go there.
PINSKY: Catheters, catheters.
GUTFELD: Catheters. We accept a lot of commercials for catheters …
PINSKY: So they are admiring this.
GUTFELD: Yes, they are admiring this, Kat. I could see you cutting this and accept a little congenital in vaper.
TIMPF: If it had the congenital vape, I mostly drag nicotine anyway. This appearance is the one hour a anniversary area I am breath absolute air. So it’s very, absolute adequate for me. I aloof anticipate it would be abundant to aloof absolutely bank us off from anniversary other. It would be abundant for our abundance and additionally for our souls. This is terrible. You appetite to apperceive why?
TIMPF: Because I can’t see anyone, right? But if I apperceive that anybody abroad is cutting them, I apperceive they can’t see me either, right?
TIMPF: What is there larboard to stop me from watching “Teen Mom 2” reruns at the office? I’m accepting a adamantine abundant time as it is, Greg.
GUTFELD: Yes, but see, in technology we would be able to apperceive that. Somebody would be able to apperceive that.
TIMPF: To adviser my behavior?
GUTFELD: I adviser your behavior aback you’re at assignment all the time and I apperceive things, Kat. I apperceive things.
TIMPF: I did accept a absolute affronted buzz alarm with my dermatologist.
GUTFELD: Oh that was — I abstruse a lot about the furnishings of Accutane.
TIMPF: Yes, Accutane is abundant because you apperceive what your face feels like if it were in hell after absolutely accepting to accomplish the trip.
GUTFELD: Yes, there you go.
FAILLA: I accept that is alleged watching the Samantha B show.
FAILLA: Wow, Sam B admirers — I should accept screamed for that.
GUTFELD: All right, “Final Thoughts,” next. Tyrus?
MURDOCH: I don’t accept a final thought, I accept a final gesture.
GUTFELD: Oh, that’s nice.
MURDOCH: Because we apperceive it’s Kat’s birthday.
MURDOCH: And those of us who apperceive Kat, she is consistently talking about not accepting accompany and stuff, so I brought you a allowance that was affectionate of like a friend, who will consistently be with you, won’t altercate with you, will consistently smile at you, and look, it’s alike in a black bag like you like, so blessed birthday. She’s activity to adulation this. It’s so good.
TIMPF: Oh, my god, it’s Tyrus. Acknowledge you. My altogether is not until the 29th, so I got advantageous absolute early. I am activity to put this appropriate aing to my bed.
MURDOCH: Well, okay, all right.
GUTFELD: You know, it’s funny, it’s like absolutely inversely proportional to you guys in reality.
TIMPF: Now, I assuredly apperceive what it feels like to be Tyrus.
GUTFELD: All right, doc, annihilation to plug?
PINSKY: gurudoctor.com. I am activity to be autograph there anon about the why it is we are as affiliated and as crazy as we accept gotten. Cipher anytime absolutely talks about the basal issues. I am activity to be autograph about it there. There are reasons.
GUTFELD: All right, Jimmy?
FAILLA: Two quick plugs, my one-hour angle up appropriate is alive on Amazon Prime, “State of the Union.”
FAILLA: We’ve absitively about that. I’ll be headlining the Borgata in Atlantic Burghal on November 11 through the 16th. I am assuming until Friday, but Saturday, I’ll be assuming on the lath airing to accomplish aback my bank losses. So use the cipher chat devil’s triangle for bisected off.
GUTFELD: All right, acknowledge you, Dr. Drew Pinsky, Jimmy Failla, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, and our flat audience. I’m Greg Gutfeld and I adulation you, America.
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